Today

Felt guilty about sharing a part of my dysfunctional family yesterday. I said what I said, in truth because at that moment I was feeling pain and sadness but also as a way to invoke an understanding in people that would otherwise just complain about my ability, my need, my desire and goal to remain a positive force in my life as well as the lives of others who I hold dear and in high esteem, WHY I try so earnestly to be positively happy!.The truth of the matter is that my family has done me wrong but they served a purpose in as much as they taught me to be okay with eliminating toxicity from my life. I don't give a rat's ass who you are or what role you play in my life, if you are a part of my life and toxic, you will be removed because I am no longer okay with letting people walk over me to lift themselves up at my expense. I am no longer interested in entertaining your bitch-fest so that you can feel better about yourself but now I bear the burden of not only my own bullshit but now yours as well. I did that for 20 years of marriage and always I hung on ( longer than I should have) because I kept playing this insane guessing game, you know the one: did I really do all I could have in this situation? Did I really give this person ample opportunity to improve or engage or whatever? Am I being overly sensitive in this situation?  Do they realize all the sacrifices I just made? Do I really love this person enough to see this through?

At the end of the day all that truly matters is what did I do with the time I have been given? Who did I serve? Who did I help? Who did I make happy?  What difference did I make for the lives of my children as well as future generations? The fact of the matter is that if I am in a negative head space, my judgment is clouded, and my ability to respond appropriately cannot be trusted. When I am living life from a place of happiness, from behind a positive force I am clear headed, I am "sane" and free to make rational, loving and caring decisions both for myself and, as the need arises, for others. Being happy and being positive doesn't mean I let people hold me captive to their negativity, it doesn't mean that I gladly stand at the bottom of a shit mountain and wait for the next person to shit on me and smile and say "yum yum" it means I do what is right for me, even if it means walking away from someone I love, and removing the toxicity from my life. I simply cannot be the person I was meant to be---NONE of us can be for that matter-- if I am not willing to weather the storm from peace and love. Period.

Tenzin Gyatso; The Fourteenth Dalai Lama says of achieving happiness.. "For a start, it is possible to divide every kind of happiness and suffering into two main categories: mental and physical. Of the two, it is the mind that exerts the greatest influence on most of us. Unless we are either gravely ill or deprived of basic necessities, our physical condition plays a secondary role in life. If the body is content, we virtually ignore it. The mind, however, registers every event, no matter how small. Hence we should devote our most serious efforts to bringing about mental peace. From my own limited experience I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion." (full article can be found here  Dalailama Wisdom )

So for today I live my life with the sole purpose of being compassionate, understanding, loving, supportive and appreciative for all that I already have. I live planted in the NOW and not surrounded by people or my own swirling thoughts of what if, what could happen, what might happen, who will appreciate me, who will recognize me or my efforts. I live for ME and my pleasure because only then can I be influential to others. Happiness, much like negativity, is contagious and I chose to infect people with happiness!